Feeling Nostalgic

Now that it's almost baby time again, I went and dug up some old entries I had written about Isabella, here they are...

Friday, February 02, 2007

wishing it away
When I first brought my baby girl home, exactly one year ago, I was in shock. I'll be honest, for the first couple of months I was really concerned that I would not be able to do it. I wanted a baby so much, I dreamed of nursery colors and tiny socks and shoes. I painted murals on the wall and read books about nursing, sleeping patterns, stages of development. I knew babies were hard work, I knew there would be sleepless nights. I learned quickly that nothing you read or hear could possibly prepare you for becoming a parent.

I think Isabella was about 4 weeks old when I had my first break down. I was pushing her stroller through a park, frantic. I was convinced I had given birth to the enemy. I had brought a child into this world that was tougher and stronger and more stubborn than me. I had met my match. She only weighed 11 lbs, but she could take me down in a second. In fact she had taken me down. I was sleep-deprived, hormonal, recovering from surgery, isolated, but worst of all…resentful.

Luckily, my mother, who has the intuition of a bloodhound, picked up on this right away. She talked a little sense into me after giving me the chance to vent my frustrations. She did what she had probably been dying to do from day one. Convinced me to throw all that touchy feely attachment parenting nonsense I had been reading out the window. Let her cry, don't rock her to sleep every time she goes to bed, give yourself a break. I thought if she cried for a second and I wasn't there to make it better immediately she would be scarred for life. That night, I put her in her crib at bedtime and I let her cry. I cried harder. I cried for her, for me, for the guilt I felt, for the fear I was hurting her. We both cried ourselves to sleep. I woke up the next morning, the first time as a mother to sunlight in the windows and the sound of birds chirping. Our very first time she slept through the night.

When she was little and helpless, I couldn't wait for her to grow up. I couldn't wait for her to roll over, crawl, stand, and walk. I longed to pack up those bottles and have her drinking from a cup. To eat table food and speak. I wasn't worried for a second about her growing up too fast because it was dragging on so slow. So much work for such a tiny little being that barely knows you're there.

This week I took her to get fitted for her first pair of shoes. She has to have support now that she has taken those first steps. She can do so much. She can drink from a cup and eat table food. She can chase the dogs and wave bye-bye. She goes to daycare where she has her own friends and sits in a real chair at a real table. She's one year old. She's where I've been wishing she would be. She's such a big girl.

You can guess where this is going. I want it back. I want that tiny little baby in my arms. I want to fall asleep in a rocking chair with her in my arms. I took for granted those quiet moments in the earliest hours of the morning when she and I were the only ones awake. I've gotten used to my life being about her. I used to look at other mothers who were so wrapped up in their children and think of it as a sign of weakness. Now I know the truth. Nothing comes easier or harder than the love of a mother for her child. She turned one yesterday. Never again will I wish it away.

Mama's Boy

I've hit the home stretch...4 weeks to go. The good news is, there's only 4 weeks to go. The bad news is that leaves me only 4 weeks to clean my house, wash new baby clothes, unpack baby toys and endless baby paraphanalia that you feel you can't live without.

Seriously, what did mother's do without pack and plays, bouncy seats, baby einstien, co-sleepers, baby papasan, diaper genie & wipe warmers? Oh wait, I know, they had room left in their attic and their houses did not look like 5 star daycare centers.

Anyway, we got to get all that junk back out so at least we can feel like the lifesavings we spent on it was not in vain. And then, I don't know why, but if you've given birth you know there is a from the depths of the soul driving to clean all the base boards in the house and reorganize the kitchen cabinets before giving birth. When I was pregnant with Isabella I became compeltely obsessed with stocking canned goods, toilet paper, trash bags and paper towels. It's kind of like Y2K, only the reality is that it does actual come, rock your world and leave you incapable of leaving the house for several years without facing serious threat.

I'm still working. As a amatter of fact I have a client meeting scheduled the day before my c-section. I can see it now, being wheeled out of the delivery room hopped up on pain pills and trying to negotiate a faulty inspection of mysterious hay left in an attic. Yes, this has been an issue in the past...anyway. I think it will be good. It will help keep my mind on something other than knowing in 24 hours my stomach will be cut open and a baby removed. This baby, I am convinced in gigantic. Izzy was big, but this guy...I'm guessing 21 inches at least. When he moves I feel it in my left rib cage and my right hip bone.

He woke me up at 6 am this morning with the hiccups. Isabella used to get them all of the time too. I think that is one of my favorite things about being pregnant. He kicks hard, but he's not all crazy and frantic like Izzy was. I think he's going to be laid back like his Daddy. At least that's the thought that keeps me going. My first born is a rounder. She's the busiest toddler I've ever laid eyes on. I knew I was in trouble before she was born. I felt it. She kept me up all night everynight. When she was born her first cry even shocked the doctor and the nurses. Imagine, how many babies do they hear cry a day? How crazy is it when they can't stop talking about how loud your baby is crying in a delivery room? It scared me then. It scares me now.

Yes, my little laid back angel and his hiccups. I can't wait to meet him. I can't wait to hold my little Mama's boy.

Thanksgiving '07

This year we celebrated Thanksgiving in AL with my parents, brother and grandmother. It was the first year time I'd been home for thanksgiving in 3 years so I really enjoyed lying around eating Mom's hot fudge cake for 4 days.

Isabella could not get enough of the Christmas Tree. She broke most of the ornaments, but she had fun. Salena, mom's little sister from the Big Brother, BIg Sister program came by for some baking cookies and riding the carousel at the mall. Isabella had a blast playing with her. We got our hands full of sprinkles and sugar. Did I mention the brownies? Isabella absolutely loves holding the mixer and licking the sprinkles off of her fingers.

Halloween

This was Isabella's first year to be able to trick or treat. She was slow starting, but with the guidance of her big cousins she caught on pretty quick. She didn't care much about the candy, but she loved hearing how pretty of a princess she was. She knew she was breaking hearts and she loved every second of it.

Getting Ready...

We've got about 4 1/2 weeks to go until baby Walt is born! Over the last couple of weeks I've gone from having a big baby belly to being that woman who groans and moans while trying to heave herself from the couch. Isabella thinks it's funny to walk around imitating me. It's the cutest thing.

Despite my giganticness I did manage to dance for hours at my cousins Christmas party this weekend. I was almost convinced I would be in labor by the end of the night. It was some kind of holiday magic that left me jumping and spinning like a drunken school girl. Walt of course was pulling out all of his "signature moves". If you've ever had the delight of seeing him in all his dancing glory you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Anyway, it's my goal to keep posting the news as it comes. In the meantime, I'd also like to post some old blog entries and pictures to get you up to speed on where we're at and where we've been. Love you all and thanks so much for sharing in our adventures.

Walt, Vanessa & Izzy (soon to be Walt V)

Summer photos

Here are a few more photos of what we did this summer. Most of them are taken at Kanuga Retreat and Conference center in Hendersonville, NC where we vacation with Walt's parents each summer. We've made some great memories there.

Isabella's first b-day

Here are photos taken from Isabella's first b-day party. All her grandparents and great grandmother Opal Mama came up to join in the celebration. It was Strawberry Shortcake all the way!

Beach Trip

Here are a few great photos of Isabella this summer. She is just like mom and dad and loves to swim. She is absolutely fearless!

Izzy was about 16 months in these pictures.

Catching Up

Here are some photos of Isabella's birth.

The picture of Walt carrying Isabella down the hall to introduce her to the anxiously awaiting grandparents is my very favorite. When he saw her face for the first time and heard her cry he screamed "that's our daughter, that's our daughter" over and over again. He was so in love with her from the second she came into the world and she's had him wrapped around her finger ever since. She is a Daddy's girl if there ever was one.