Baby Shampoo and Sunshine...

It's mother's day. My first of having two children, of looking in the mirror and seeing a mother looking back. I wear it now like a coat, heavy but warm, hiding in it sometimes, but always glad to have it near.

I first noticed the Mom look in my hair. Once long and bleached blonde, it now swings softly at my jaw, not too short, a polite shade of brown. A few grays blend in with those fighting for youth, not ready to give. I am enjoying the experiences my thirties have brought me, and consider it a young and magical time. I only wish it weren't turning my hair gray, and carving lines around my eyes.

I'm exhausted, sleep deprived and missing out on pretty much everything in the world today, busy with poopie diapers, sippy cups, and "watcha doin mamma, watcha doin mamma, watcha doin mammas". I almost resented it…almost. The few weeks home with the first baby was kind of like standing in the street, waiting for a truck to run me over ten to fifteen times a day and then feeling obligated to count it a blessing, with a smile on my face and a lullaby on my lips.

But I do now, count it a blessing. The way Isabella's hair smells in the morning, like baby shampoo and sunshine. The way Walter's skin feels all bundled up in a towel after a bath. It hurts to put them to sleep, I know tomorrow they will be one day older; one step closer to dating and driving and graduating. That changes you, forever.

I see Mamma in most of me now, where it used to be something I read in magazines; searching for answers, hoping to get it right. It is who I am because two little sticky handed, runny nosed angels from heaven know it. I am the world to them and that is still hard to understand, but I feel it when I kiss a booboo or say a bedtime prayer. I see it in their eyes when they need someone to make it better. I am a Mother now, and always will be.